hope is a miracle.

If life is really that bad, then why don’t we kill ourselves? We don’t. because we hold on to hope. And by god hope is a miracle.

                How  selfish am I to complain about not having a car, or my paycheck a little lower than the last one. I worked over 30 hours a week and go to school full time. Stress builds me up so much, I am the type to wake up at 4 am and stay up until the job gets done, and do the process all over again. I am not a neat freak. But I do like to work. My unorganized mind makes me who I am, just a tad bit odd. “Odd ball”, if you must call it, but either way I get the job done. So why must I complain on the littlest things in life?

                I just discovered my friend was going to the Grand Canyon for thanksgiving with her mother. The first Thanksgiving without her father, a year after he died, she decided the man who prepared the turkey every year wasn’t present, and didn’t want to be left with the memory.  Just a short time, her mother was in the hospital over a heart attack, leaving my friend distorted. So packing away all the bad memories, she settled to the place where remarkable beauty surely is seen, the Grand Canyon.

                My friend was awoken in the middle of the night, by her mother having a seizure. Her mother was rushed to the ER and given a MRI to discovered eight tumors. Her father died from a battle of cancer. Can anyone ever imagine at the age of 30, you could lose both of your parents in one year? I can’t barley understand what troubles she is going through, but surely it puts out my selfish ways.

                If it’s the season of being Thankful, rethink your selfish ways and be thankful for what GOD  has given you. Slice the turkey, say grace, and look around, you’re with the people you love. And if you’re alone on thanksgiving, I can assure you, you not alone. We are all here to love on earth. Have a wonderful thanksgiving. 

sailing ship...

  The sailor.

 Oh yes, that one. Sailor was a handsome man who was clearly insane and goofy. He had a lot of issues, and sometimes I couldn’t understand through his bi-polar effects. I knew when I met him, I would just become his rebound girl. That is what I wanted, because he had all the characteristics to make a girl stay away from him.

       He was still married, but “attempting” a divorce, with a child, and in the military. Yes, I looked past all those things because I simply wanted to take a chance. After all, I liked him from the beginning when I walked into the door. I was going to be a “wing girl” for my friend Arleen.  At the time, she was hooking up with sailor’s best friend, and she wanted me to come along and meet Sailor. So I did.

                The funny factor is, I thought Sailor was her guy and I thought Arleen’s guy was the one I was suppose to hook up with, I was so mad. Until I found out, the handsome man smiling at me while holding some kind of pink liquor in a shot glass was there to meet me. I ended up passing out on his bed, (nothing bad) and waking up with him at 6:30 to watch movies until his daughter woke up.  That simple morning, made me have a smile. But what was holding me back? HE WAS MARRIED.

                I seemed to find the weird looking boy with big ears and wrinkles across his forehead to be attractive. I have a thing for boys with chest hair, big nose, and dimple chin. Sailor had the ideal look, but it did take me a couple of times be completely attracted to him. At first, I thought this was going to be fun. Just a fling, but how can you have a fling when feelings are put in front of you?

                4^th of July weekend, was the weekend me and him spent together. He got to meet my family for a pool party, it turned out… he worked perfectly with the family. It was good news. Then something just clicked when we stumbled on the beach on 4^th of July. The sun was shining down over the crowded beach, along the path of sandy beach towels and umbrellas, there was Sailor. I jumped from my towel and started running down the beach and jumped into his arms for the world to see, and in that second, it clicked. 

                I ended up dancing in the water with fireworks in the midnight sky overcastting over our heads, and I just screamed with joy. The arms reached out and I immediately thought, maybe something more could happen. Right before he headed towards Texas for his job, I lay with him on the sofa, and didn’t want to go anywhere. While we were saying our goodbyes, he said “ I’ll be gone for a month and half, so that leaves you to have time to change your number, and move out of Jacksonville” with a simple wink. I replied “ I’ll be here, when you get back.”

                A few text messages lead to longer phone calls and phone calls lead to skypeing. I was always in contact with the fellow. I didn’t want anybody but him. I wanted to wake up to a text from him or have a phone call. We could just talk about everything. I even went out to get a $56 webcam, just so I could be able to see him. Pathetic?  I’ll say.

                We worked out great, we talked about what were going to do when he got back. We mapped out this whole plan and idea of just getting into the car and going to a small town in Georgia. It was perfect. Just what I’ve always wanted to hear.  I liked him. I discovered this by always having my phone on high, so I wouldn’t miss his calls, even though I was notorious for it. When I went out, I didn’t feel like flirting with other guys, or checking them out. Nope. I just wanted a beer and be crazy around my friends. I turned to Liz one night at the bar, when I was sober, “I like Sailor. I am not going to sleep with Cameron when I am in Washington. I think he not talking to anybody, and I think he’s doing the same.”

             How could you build a relationship of not even knowing what is going on? I waited for him. I waited from July and counted the days for him to be home on the second week of August. But with that said, I thought something was fishy on the weekend of the Omni, July 22^nd-23^rd. The weekend was perfect, my friend Liz got a hotel named the Omni, at a low discount because of her air conditioning was out. The hotel was in the middle of Downtown Jacksonville, looking over the river, and my best friends were all there. I was satisfied, except no call or word from Sailor. No text? No response? He ended up calling me Sunday night, but I thought something was fishy, and I was depressed. Then the very next day when I got off work, he called me again, I let it ring. Then a voicemail popped up. The voice of sadness, the voice of missing someone was spoken clearly through his words as if he really did miss me. He said he was busy but he wanted to talk, he wanted to call me.

            Later did I find out, there was a girl he had met in Texas, who he has quoted “she was so in love with me, haha, She thought I was everything. She still a virgin, that’s so weird.” We giggled but I found it odd to add that into the text. Then I found photos of them on his facebook wall, and comments with flirty messages “we’re so precious”, “of course he likes the guns <3”  and “Me and Sailor”, it made my stomach sick. I didn’t even want to see this, so I kept in the belief she was all about him, but he was all about me. But I find it hurtful to know, he would still be calling me. Wanting me to spend time with him, after he slept with *Texas girl. Just what a man does, plays it off. It started to make sense he didn’t call me that weekend, because he was busy getting boot scoot boogie with another gal.

           Two weeks later I flew to Washington, the state of beauty and where my x-boyfriend was staying. Cameron.  Everybody knows about Cameron. He is that one boy who can’t leave my life, and yet we act like we hate and love each other at the same time. While I was in Washington, I kind of stop texting Sailor, I was too busy. Me and Cameron hooked up, but I hated it, I felt wrong, I liked Tyler. I didn’t know what we were and I thought he was pretty loyal. But, Me and Cameron hooked up twice the whole time I was there,  the second time, well…that’s another story. Sailor soon gave me a call, telling me he missed me and that he wanted to take me to Oregon. Spare the moment thought, I knew it wasn’t going to happened. But then I started to analysis, was he being nice to me because I with Cameron? Or was he being nice because he felt guilty? Or just nice?

                Sailor went to pick me up from the airport so I could see him, it had been six weeks, since my lips touched his. Just like the beach, I ran to him and dashed into his arms and said “I missed you.” With that said, we had a wonderful weekend. We spent time together, nothing was different. Nothing was odd. Except after the weekend, he started to not send me cute text messages or call me, and his excuse was I was always at the house every couple of days, he didn’t need to. That was another fishy factor. He also was walking away from the house to answer phone calls, leaving the room. Its normal, but not to go downstairs to leave the apartment to make a phone call, but I figured it was just his X wife calling about problems with their daughter.  That was it, I trusted him. A lot.

                With that said, I was coming over, and spending so much time with him. Spending the night and waking up next to him. I would go over there just to stay in the bed for five hours and be rushed out of the house by 6 a.m. so he could lock up for work.  He did simple things, like waking up and fixing my car without telling me, just did it. He would cook me dinner. He would give me words of wisdom. I liked simple. Then the question was popped. We were drunk and walking out from the local bar of cheers, and I sat on my trunk and wrapped my legs around him and made out with him. He stopped me:

 “What are we? You’re not seeing anybody, I am not seeing anybody, I was wondering if you would want us to become exclusive, I want you to think on this and not give me a sudden answer. I want you to think it out.”  --- and I did. I thought it out for three days. I knew what I wanted but I made him wait for my reply.

     My reply “ I want us to be exclusive. But I just don’t want to be cheated on. I have been there and I don’t think I could go through it again. I put a wall up because I just don’t want to be hurt. Your getting a divorce, don’t you want to wild out?”

  His reply “put it this way, I’ve done everything that I wanted in the past two months, I want you.”

So we agreed to keep doing what we were doing, but become exclusive when he came back. After all, we didn’t want to start on a note of long distance. But I was not going to cheat on him. He knew that. He gave me the card to do whatever I wanted and not tell him. I wanted him. I was going to be very loyal.

 He was leaving for Deployment for 6 weeks, barely any contact, and he didn’t know how much time we would have together in phone calls. So he wanted me to write him. Whenever I got the chance, write him. I did. I emailed him on my lunch break, took the time and thought, but no reply? I waited for 4 days until I came across his facebook with a tagged post from Texas girl “I just got a call from Sailor!<3”. What? I didn’t get a call. I checked my phone, I even checked missed calls, then I checked my email. Nothing? Then my body slashed out in anger, I felt used. I felt like I was just there to be fucked and be left alone. I shared so much with him, and yet I felt like he took this all as a joke.

 Pitiful sailor, we’ll never known what we could have been. He is just a number. Just a name crossed from my book of life. No words will be spoken and no tears will shed on a dreaded pitiful soul…

 If you map down the best and worst thoughts, the path will cross what you will become. Me and Sailor paths have set a parallel of our lives rather than intersect.  He will keep doing what he does best, simply placing demonic souls into the presence of girl’s hearts everywhere. But his life will be lived in simple karma. Sailor? Your ship about to sink. 

the challenge.

Is it typical?

I deserve it. All of it. I took the man back who played me. I was given the choice to either be in a relationship or not. He was going to dump every person for me.

               Its pathetic to choose someone who I feel is not treating me like a girlfriend. I have no calls, and I always texted. Our ideal dates are his house. The last ideal date was getting up at 3:30 to eat waffle house.  

                The guy  is not worth to be around me and I feel as though he could care less about me.  I’m stuck here again. I would try to talk it out, but last night he didn’t want to talk at all. Here the thing, I want to keep him til January. Time line a relationship? Why not?

                My best friend doesn’t leave for Afghanistan till January, and she happens to be his roommate. If something goes wrong now, it will be awkward. I want to maintain a relationship for as long as I can, but not sure if this timeline will work. How long can I date an A-hole is a challenge.

                

Situation in a Mix

Someone once told me, “If he cares, he’ll write to you.”

Well I have been waiting on a reply for over two weeks and not once has he took the time to tell me he is sorry. Sorry, for the fact he was playing me at the same time as another girl.

During the summer, I was broken up through a text message; took all was 3 pages to say “sorry, we’re just not good enough.”  Feeling bum, and the fact I just got dumped through a text message, this sailor popped into my life in just 6 hours.

                Leaving me a simple 5:45 a.m. text, asking for me to congratulate him on his graduation from flight school. a couple sent text messages through the early morning, I found myself with him on a nice coffee date. A simple Dunkin Donuts date turned immediately to a Crackle Barrel breakfast date with his entire command from flight school. All I could think was “I am back in the game!”

                It’s funny to think I could hop back into the game in just 6 simple hours. I was starting to fall for a boy who was about to leave me for deployment. One month in Texas and 6 weeks in the desert. Leaving me to spend very little but extensive time with him, in which I made sure to spend all my free time on him.

                Everything was fine. I cut through the depression of not having him around me. I started to develop the relationship of our likeness through the phone and internet. I sent songs that reminded me of him and took precious email time to send him long letters. It’s what he requested. Keep him as close to me even though he was 3,000 miles away. He always insisted I email him whatever was on my mind.

                But through his dumb and couldn’t care less mistakes I found out through his non deleting face book wall, he was talking to another girl. I did not hesitate to end our relationship right there on the facebook wall. I posted a youtube video of the country song “Lover, Lover, you don’t treat me good no more…” and as silly as it seems I posted the song, because I felt the words of a song could get through fast enough to the loser that I was packing up and leaving his lies.

                He emailed me that night with a simple “hey”, as if I was going to respond with over delight. My replied “there’s not much to say”.  I got the last word in, the last true phrase to end everything. Now I don’t ever have to see him or say anything.

But I have a slight problem, this douche bag happens to be my best friend’s roommate. That’s the twist.  He’s coming back in a week, and I don’t think I can come to the apartment anymore. He has not once emailed me or called me, I want an explanation for all the lies and troubles. But I know I won’t get it, and I am biting my lip not to ask him.

Obviously through his lies and showing his caring ways it shows he does not care for me. But how can I make things less awkward knowing there is a complete shithead living with my best friend? My friends say get over it, and not to talk to him. But it’s a little tricky when you’ve been talking to him since July and its October, and again, he lives with your best friend and happens to be your best friend’s guy friend. Oh, and the other girl? Yeah, she flying over here for THANKSGIVING (found that one out through facebook as well, because everybody likes to post their entire life on his wall).  My situation, in a mix.

                

The confusion of my confessions

Men?

The aspiration of men in my life tears me into the intentions of whether becoming single or not. I check my phone constantly for someone to text or call me throughout the day. Why is it I’m hoping for someone, someone to care for me when I could care less for them?

                 I love dating, the thought of innocence and no strings attach, but when things get closer, I run. I run and I hide and I make them think they are pushing themselves away from me, but in reality, I’m shoving them. I have managed to push every good man away, and yet they still linger in my phone book. I send out a couple text messages and can have one man taking me out on a date for the next week, while I’m calling another one up for conversation. It’s a scheme, no sexual reason but rather a comfort. I can’t get hurt if I’m the one playing the field, rolling the dice and making them think I take chances for love.

                Chances don’t not come my way, but rather I give chance a sense of illusion, the thought that I could be their one and only girl. First glance you would never see this monster inside of me, instead, you see a lonely blonde college student who spends time in the library and works with children. I love to drink, cheap wine and beer, it puts a smile on my grinning face as I wear crazy outfits that no one would wear . I am unique with an outgoing sweetness, but lurks the dark side of hurting others and wanting more.

More? I want a guy to bring me a sense of overbearing romance and dash me away like only lovers hear in songs. But I am afraid if I look for it, it won’t be what I want. I’m always adding and subtracting of what I want from a guy, and yet, the ones that come I have bitter taste for in less than a month. Is it possible I’m just holding out for the one? Or, a sense that I’m never satisfied and will hurt all who dare to love me.

                I am young, with a youthful spirit and beauty that shines, I am living my twenties and my friend, it is glamorous. I wish not to fall in love but rather guys notice my young beauty before one day I am too old to flirt and bat my eyes at every gentleman that walks my way. The one day, when men don’t fall at  my feet or compliment all my outer characteristics is the day, I dread. I am looking forward to grow old, but I will wait for that day when I feel comfortable to hold hands with that one man.

                I am a great friend and loving person. I flirt and I don’t cheat for that I always stay single.  I broke someone heart, crushed it to the floor and left it to bleed, never once the thought to come back and clean up my mess. But don’t you worry, it happened to me.

 I told my girlfriends I felt love, I thought love, I cried because for the first time I thought I met a man who I wasn’t afraid to be with. I saw all the flaws and imperfections and I accepted them, trust me, he had too many cons. Sparks flew when he texted me morning and night. I always had butterflies when his ringtone would blast out while a picture of us were shown on the collar ID. This was a romance that I oddly wanted, nothing fancy but rather just romantic company. What did this fine fellow do? The least expected.

The Heartbreak? Everyone saw when I tried to hide it, I cried. When I thought I was alone I cried and scream in anger and pain would hit my chest. I didn’t want to eat and every thought of him left a knot in my throat. My love turned into hate and hate turned into resentment. I started to dream about him, every night my dreams were detailed and we lived in happiness and I would awake to see it wasn’t real. He was holding onto the arms of another woman while I was dreaming an unrealistic world about our lives. Crazy? I would say so, I would pray to God begging him to give me dreams of anything, even dreams of murder, because I saw the dreams of us become a nightmare.

Were still friends and I am reminded of him every day, how can somebody you spend so short of time is the one you crave? I could never tell my friends the truth, although they give me hints they already know from the way I talk about him. We will never be together again, but nor will I ever want that sense of love again, for that I built a wall for me and you may not crush it.

So, until then I give you a clear warning, don’t cross my path and don’t ask to hold my hand for that you may be my next victim. But sometimes, just sometimes..the tables can be turned. 

College builds me stress

College is the home of deadlines, coffee breaks, and stress. College is the place where you determine if your good enough to be a leader or the village idiot. I thought my twenties were the best years of my life. My youth should be where I try to find myself or daydream about my future. Instead I begin to find nightmares of me never finding a job or never receiving a diploma. I feel like I give more money than less on my time of education. I am very well known to spend most of my time at the library in which the time is spent researching, homework, and internship job searches.

                I think Google.com is about to shut me down for all the internship job searches I put down over and over. I want something better, but how can you find it when you don’t know where to start?

I could have taken my true talent as theatrical arts major, but I would have too much fun. I thought the best major for me would be combinations of Public Relation and Advertising, and now I am in the process of juggling both. I hope to graduate with both concentrations without looking into a master’s degree. That’s right; I’m getting in and getting out. How I survive, is up to God himself, welcome to Jaxside.

                Is there anybody like me?  Everybody brags about studying really hard and getting a B or C, did the person really study or did they get what they deserve? I try to act like the student who never study or cares, only because my grades are average. I juggle a full time job, I go school full time, social life, and yet I squeeze in dating life. Why? This is outrageous, there are not enough hours in the day and yet my classes only last hour n half long.