Situation in a Mix

Someone once told me, “If he cares, he’ll write to you.”

Well I have been waiting on a reply for over two weeks and not once has he took the time to tell me he is sorry. Sorry, for the fact he was playing me at the same time as another girl.

During the summer, I was broken up through a text message; took all was 3 pages to say “sorry, we’re just not good enough.”  Feeling bum, and the fact I just got dumped through a text message, this sailor popped into my life in just 6 hours.

                Leaving me a simple 5:45 a.m. text, asking for me to congratulate him on his graduation from flight school. a couple sent text messages through the early morning, I found myself with him on a nice coffee date. A simple Dunkin Donuts date turned immediately to a Crackle Barrel breakfast date with his entire command from flight school. All I could think was “I am back in the game!”

                It’s funny to think I could hop back into the game in just 6 simple hours. I was starting to fall for a boy who was about to leave me for deployment. One month in Texas and 6 weeks in the desert. Leaving me to spend very little but extensive time with him, in which I made sure to spend all my free time on him.

                Everything was fine. I cut through the depression of not having him around me. I started to develop the relationship of our likeness through the phone and internet. I sent songs that reminded me of him and took precious email time to send him long letters. It’s what he requested. Keep him as close to me even though he was 3,000 miles away. He always insisted I email him whatever was on my mind.

                But through his dumb and couldn’t care less mistakes I found out through his non deleting face book wall, he was talking to another girl. I did not hesitate to end our relationship right there on the facebook wall. I posted a youtube video of the country song “Lover, Lover, you don’t treat me good no more…” and as silly as it seems I posted the song, because I felt the words of a song could get through fast enough to the loser that I was packing up and leaving his lies.

                He emailed me that night with a simple “hey”, as if I was going to respond with over delight. My replied “there’s not much to say”.  I got the last word in, the last true phrase to end everything. Now I don’t ever have to see him or say anything.

But I have a slight problem, this douche bag happens to be my best friend’s roommate. That’s the twist.  He’s coming back in a week, and I don’t think I can come to the apartment anymore. He has not once emailed me or called me, I want an explanation for all the lies and troubles. But I know I won’t get it, and I am biting my lip not to ask him.

Obviously through his lies and showing his caring ways it shows he does not care for me. But how can I make things less awkward knowing there is a complete shithead living with my best friend? My friends say get over it, and not to talk to him. But it’s a little tricky when you’ve been talking to him since July and its October, and again, he lives with your best friend and happens to be your best friend’s guy friend. Oh, and the other girl? Yeah, she flying over here for THANKSGIVING (found that one out through facebook as well, because everybody likes to post their entire life on his wall).  My situation, in a mix.

                

The confusion of my confessions

Men?

The aspiration of men in my life tears me into the intentions of whether becoming single or not. I check my phone constantly for someone to text or call me throughout the day. Why is it I’m hoping for someone, someone to care for me when I could care less for them?

                 I love dating, the thought of innocence and no strings attach, but when things get closer, I run. I run and I hide and I make them think they are pushing themselves away from me, but in reality, I’m shoving them. I have managed to push every good man away, and yet they still linger in my phone book. I send out a couple text messages and can have one man taking me out on a date for the next week, while I’m calling another one up for conversation. It’s a scheme, no sexual reason but rather a comfort. I can’t get hurt if I’m the one playing the field, rolling the dice and making them think I take chances for love.

                Chances don’t not come my way, but rather I give chance a sense of illusion, the thought that I could be their one and only girl. First glance you would never see this monster inside of me, instead, you see a lonely blonde college student who spends time in the library and works with children. I love to drink, cheap wine and beer, it puts a smile on my grinning face as I wear crazy outfits that no one would wear . I am unique with an outgoing sweetness, but lurks the dark side of hurting others and wanting more.

More? I want a guy to bring me a sense of overbearing romance and dash me away like only lovers hear in songs. But I am afraid if I look for it, it won’t be what I want. I’m always adding and subtracting of what I want from a guy, and yet, the ones that come I have bitter taste for in less than a month. Is it possible I’m just holding out for the one? Or, a sense that I’m never satisfied and will hurt all who dare to love me.

                I am young, with a youthful spirit and beauty that shines, I am living my twenties and my friend, it is glamorous. I wish not to fall in love but rather guys notice my young beauty before one day I am too old to flirt and bat my eyes at every gentleman that walks my way. The one day, when men don’t fall at  my feet or compliment all my outer characteristics is the day, I dread. I am looking forward to grow old, but I will wait for that day when I feel comfortable to hold hands with that one man.

                I am a great friend and loving person. I flirt and I don’t cheat for that I always stay single.  I broke someone heart, crushed it to the floor and left it to bleed, never once the thought to come back and clean up my mess. But don’t you worry, it happened to me.

 I told my girlfriends I felt love, I thought love, I cried because for the first time I thought I met a man who I wasn’t afraid to be with. I saw all the flaws and imperfections and I accepted them, trust me, he had too many cons. Sparks flew when he texted me morning and night. I always had butterflies when his ringtone would blast out while a picture of us were shown on the collar ID. This was a romance that I oddly wanted, nothing fancy but rather just romantic company. What did this fine fellow do? The least expected.

The Heartbreak? Everyone saw when I tried to hide it, I cried. When I thought I was alone I cried and scream in anger and pain would hit my chest. I didn’t want to eat and every thought of him left a knot in my throat. My love turned into hate and hate turned into resentment. I started to dream about him, every night my dreams were detailed and we lived in happiness and I would awake to see it wasn’t real. He was holding onto the arms of another woman while I was dreaming an unrealistic world about our lives. Crazy? I would say so, I would pray to God begging him to give me dreams of anything, even dreams of murder, because I saw the dreams of us become a nightmare.

Were still friends and I am reminded of him every day, how can somebody you spend so short of time is the one you crave? I could never tell my friends the truth, although they give me hints they already know from the way I talk about him. We will never be together again, but nor will I ever want that sense of love again, for that I built a wall for me and you may not crush it.

So, until then I give you a clear warning, don’t cross my path and don’t ask to hold my hand for that you may be my next victim. But sometimes, just sometimes..the tables can be turned. 

College builds me stress

College is the home of deadlines, coffee breaks, and stress. College is the place where you determine if your good enough to be a leader or the village idiot. I thought my twenties were the best years of my life. My youth should be where I try to find myself or daydream about my future. Instead I begin to find nightmares of me never finding a job or never receiving a diploma. I feel like I give more money than less on my time of education. I am very well known to spend most of my time at the library in which the time is spent researching, homework, and internship job searches.

                I think Google.com is about to shut me down for all the internship job searches I put down over and over. I want something better, but how can you find it when you don’t know where to start?

I could have taken my true talent as theatrical arts major, but I would have too much fun. I thought the best major for me would be combinations of Public Relation and Advertising, and now I am in the process of juggling both. I hope to graduate with both concentrations without looking into a master’s degree. That’s right; I’m getting in and getting out. How I survive, is up to God himself, welcome to Jaxside.

                Is there anybody like me?  Everybody brags about studying really hard and getting a B or C, did the person really study or did they get what they deserve? I try to act like the student who never study or cares, only because my grades are average. I juggle a full time job, I go school full time, social life, and yet I squeeze in dating life. Why? This is outrageous, there are not enough hours in the day and yet my classes only last hour n half long.