Short-Lived

I did it. I moved. I moved to Dallas, TX.
Big city lights, people flock the streets with brand names but at the same time, you can meet a country boy at the edge of the corner.
I've only been here for a month, and my breath is taken away by the lights and giant buildings. This is beauty. This is my new concrete jungle.
    Allow me to elaborate, I am from Jacksonville, FL. Where I grew up? We had jacked up trucks, listen to country music, and my type of guy would take me fishing in the swamp. I grew up swimming with mannatees or jumping in the river with the alligators. At the same time, you can drive across town and you could hit up the beach and go surfing. I had water surround me, and I still could live a city life if I chose. Jacksonville, is home. In life? I plan on giving back to Jacksonville.
     Almost a couple weeks in, I was going here and there on dates. Sweet couple of guys but there was no line of me dragging into a conversation again, even if that meant a meal over steak. When someone at my work told me I had to meet someone, I just shrugged my shoulders and said "Why not? I live in a different city now, and my walls are torn" she was telling me all about him, "He's a doctor, well…going to be… a dentist. so you know?:) " No? No I don't. See, I've never had a fascination with doctors nor will I go out of my way for a dentist. Because of money? Please. If there anything I've learned in the past, people with money, build problems and I definitely did not want to meet a "huancho ego" man. But I agree'd to meet him, not knowing what he looked like, or how he was, I just did. Until, I met him, did I realize in some twisted way, I wish I didn't.
        Cruel? You may say. But this was the first time, in awhile that I could be myself around a guy. No judgement. No remarks. I could drink like a fish, have a mouth of a sailor, or make annoying joking sounds, he didn't care, he still smiled. Acceptance? I didn't understand, I became intrigued with it.
        Through every fling and desire, I was always "Too much", the list starts at; Your Too much of a morning person. Your Too outgoing. Your too happy. Your too loud. Your too nice. Your too honest. You say foul language too much. Your too weird. Your too crazy. It was always up to standards that I couldn't match up to, it was always "Too much", that it broke me down to mimic what people expected out of me, and eventually it led me to go completely single, because I was never too much for myself.
         Here was the problem, I was liking a guy who was about to graduate and leave Dallas for good. Going back to his kingdom, when I had just found my throne. Looking at the past, it was easy to see why I would try to keep knowing him, knowing he was walking away. I dated military. It was very common for me to get to know them and for them to leave. Thats what they did, and thats what programmed me.
           When I first met him, he was beautiful, not just a pretty face, but the inside of getting to know him. His stories of what mold him, what took him in place and why he was who he was. But I also saw a bit of broken pieces in him, I don't think he particularly saw how great of a person he was. I've have always, always been attracted to the men who have a bit of low self esteem. I know, that sounds vulgar but the thing is, I have high self esteem. I love who I am, and I love my body, and if I can change for the better, than I will but I won't change it for others. The reasoning behind this? I believe if I can hold on just a little bit, and let them know their worth, they would change themselves for the better.
           I wish he could see his worth, not as a dentist. But his sense of character. I found him highly attractive, almost dangerously gorgeous. I see his dark sense of humor to be hilarious and his words of knowledge and beliefs to be fascinating. I find this individual still needing to know his worth and to keep it sacred from the ones who are out to hurt him. He should build walls, a catch like that? Needs to have protection.
          So what am I doing, still talking to this individual? I have two more months and than he is gone. Believe me, I hate the fact that I want to hold on to something that will escape my life, but I love the fact he is captured here. But maybe I am here to show him his worth, and maybe he his here to show what worth I have. I believe everything happens for a reason, a fling? a friendship? Just Company? call it what you want, but his walls are coming up and mine just came down. Two opposites seeing eye to eye on different views but enjoying every aspect in each other. So let me make the best of it, let me choose what makes me happy, and let me make an impact of someones life, even if its short-lived. 

Chick Flicks Night.

 Today I sat down with messy hair, sweat pants, while cooking myself a dinner for one. To create a dinner I like to pretend I set for two. But two only exists in my mind.
I tried not to be disturbed, I began to sit down on the couch to turn on a chick flick. This corny, cheesy, unrealistic chick flick, began to set in my mind. Is this what everybody expects? Good looking attractive people who sit there and can instantly feel happy because that person makes them who they are for the better?
Well, I am sorry, but right than & there, it clicked. My friends are who make me who I am. They see me fall in and out of love, they share my laughter, they know when I am at my worst, & most of all they accept me even more than my family.
Yes, love is real. But people, our society, has torn to create something that more attention than anything. I log on to Facebook, and all I see is photos, tags, & comments dedicated to show the whole world your dating this particular person, and if lost, you feel the need to delete your facebook or disappear. There no privacy in the social media world, and people everyday are trying to keep up with being what everyone expects you to be.
This very day, I had the cleaning lady at my work stopped to tell me I was wearing a beautiful color of lipstick. Before I could thank her, she told me "Your so pretty, I pray you get a boyfriend soon." I was mortified. You pray? You pray for me? I shrugged my shoulders and said, "they're hiding." The truth was, is this what were brought up to believe? To fall in love and pray for others who don't? Fools.
A person's touch can be the most amazing thing you will ever discovered. A person simple words will sometimes be the sweetest things to listen to. Knowing that there someone with a smile & thinking of you, is a wonderful gift. But we don't need to rush. We don't need to fall in this cookie cutter mindset what everyone else thinks we should do at that moment.
We all get chances in life. We have all felt beauty. But realize, past or present you felt more things than most people in this world.
I realize, complications will happen. Things will happen. But, my friends are greater than a chick flick. They are all beautiful in my eyes. They say the most corniest things, that makes me shout out in laughter. The adventures of drama will always strive, but in the climax, we thank God our paths crossed in life.
So, you haven't found what your looking for? I think your friends will give you a clue.  

R.I.P friendship

If you ask me, I find my friends who are starting to have serious relationships, are starting to loose their edge. Yes, I was rather use to the single fun free loving style of my friends who can wild out, but now I have to get use to the fact they rather stay home and snuggle 7 days a week than see me. 

I feel a little use, after all, the text messages & phone calls were constant before another man stood in the way. Every weekend, I spent all my time with my girls and was known to be the wild one in the crowd. The girl who could throw a pair of glow sticks around, get free drinks, and talk to several guys at the same time. I was looked up to in a way, because I go up to a guy and have any man buy me a drink while spending out connections to go places and gather free happenings. But soon, my girlfriends started to tell their guys they were just "talking to" what I was all about. Since I was frown upon by the guys point of view, it made my girlfriends soon frown upon me. 

I don't see it in a guilt matter on showing my game, when I was hurt many times for this matter. In the game, I grew tough skin and I learned not to fall. If I am to fall, it leaves a wound and I rather not have scars on me ready to take place for the next guy in my life. Therefore, It should not be a crime for my time now. I am young, slightly attractive, and have the high energy for me to play out all night. I don't want to be held down nor be hidden in a cave coming out just for food. My girlfriends, I consider some, to be like cavemen. disappearing and lonely. They scout whoever they can find, once a man is attached, all they ever knew is gone and the idea for a "wedding band" is all they see.

Maybe its good, change for them. It shows me a lot sooner who they are rather than being thrown to the suffering wolves later down the road. My goals are different, which is probably why one might have me frowned upon. After all, I want to travel, work up into the business world, and leave this city. Unlike my girlfriend's dream in life is to married and become housewives. Its sad, but true. Hearing from their own mouths makes me wonder why I even became friends with the type never to step out of the line but live a life of rather no dreams. 

Which is why I have gained acceptance, my girlfriends will never be the same as it was this past summer, but least I had an amazing year with them.

It takes 3...

                Why should women engaged themselves to one man? After all, in the game of dating men do not go after just one girl but goes after any girl he can find. My mix right now is I don’t quite trust the one I am talking to. I adore him, and he is a homebody who works out and gets up at 5:45 a.m. on Saturday mornings. I would like to feel like the only one but I am afraid I am not and it is a game rather than date. 

                I have discovered my trust was lacking when I started to date two other  guys on the side. Both on other sides of town, both different group of friend, and both manage different jobs. I see no wrong when I am just “talking” to them, rather than in relationships. I have a fear of commitment, but waiting on the right guy to not mess up my views.

                How do we keep our fears settle, but keep moving on and about this world? I started to date a man who can be a bit of an ass, but yet I am so hung up on him that his wrongs are not noticed by me. But now I’ve developed a “fling” with a navy pilot who is known for getting with girls and never calling them back. Well, I got with him, and he’s still calling and buying me things, so by all means, he can stay in place for as long as he wants. But that’s usually how it works, the man your NOT all about, he’s into you. I also am starting to talk to a waiter in an old city town outside my city and he in fact has me intrigued by all things. To sit and hear stories of his travels in Europe by himself, or how he lived in Germany for three years makes my gypsy soul want to hear more.

                All three are different, and all three are kept. As long as your talking or dating and no progress is about to happened for future years to come, then don’t waste the beauty. Share whatever skills you got, because soon you’ll be married and wishing you could live that life a little bit more on the edge.   

FINDING THE ONE...hmmmm.

Findng the One,

                Finding the one should be so easy, after all we as human beings have made technology easy enough for one to date now. Dating websites are starting to be the new thing for women who are no longer searching love in a bar. Instead women can now urge themselves to find the one they want through a picture while having their belly fat convulsing out of their too tight jeans and high bun hair. We has single “not good enough to date” women have turned ourselves into the world of technology and bad lighting photos to do the work for ourselves.

                This world has begun to develop so much complication with social media sites. My theories, if he doesn’t have a facebook, drop him, because that is sketchy. If I am even slightly talking to a guy, I want to add him on facebook so I can creep. I look at the status, the photos, and I creep hard. It’s not like it was when my sister was my age. Instead my sister had an AIM, and she judged him possibly on his icon and screen name. So this world, is it us to blame?

                Instead of finding what we want, going out, discovering it, we instead our hitting an accept and delete button like it is no problem. We desire to have relationships like “snap, crackle, and POP” instantly wanting the next big thing. And immediately throwing out what we could have had.

                Maybe finding the one, is more like finding ourselves. We as women constantly make a list of what we want and what we don’t want. It’s confusing, and sadly it’s harsh on the good men that stand at our doorway. Some girls can’t decide what they want, while others don’t get out and expect Mr.Right to knock on your door.  Our decisions have now turned to the internet for dating and social sites to find someone for us.

                But the one shouldn’t be like the next Iphone, instead the person should be slowly waited on, taking the time slowly, and treating it like it’s your old song you never get tired from. I am not saying don’t date online, but don’t lose hope. There is someone for everyone, even the hobo who pees on your tires downtown. Or that waitress at the waffle house with the huge mole. There’s someone for everyone. Certainly you have to understand your future one is having the same frustration as you are wondering where you are, or if you’ll ever come. 

The true fairy tale...

Here the perfect fairy tale,

                Boy meets girl, girl doesn’t fancy boy but comes to her senses after a bit. Girl was shadowed by her past (mr. boring) therefore couldn’t see through the future. Mr. boring is forever more gone, and girl comes to boy. What the girl didn’t know is when she was with boy, so was another girl. This girl was name Slutzilla. Slutzilla was a friend of the girl, and recently just got out of a relationship.

                Girl insisted slutzilla and her would go out to meet new knight and shiny armors for her. But the beads of lust around her neck desire the boy, whom girl was with. Slutzilla was told lies from the boy, where he told her he would leave the girl, for that he could have her. All the secrets ever once kept between the girl and slutzilla vanished when she struck an appeal with the boy. They ran off, and collided with each other bodies, meanwhile girl was dating boy.

                Girl than decided to date boy, because he had ask for her hand in ‘serious relationship’ after all, it had been four months and boy was impatient. Sparely, she was going to agree, but first she must tell Slutzilla the exciting news. Slutzilla was over joy using the words “I don’t really know boy*, but don’t do anything you would regret, go for it”. Exactly twenty four hours later Slutzilla came to girl with vodka tonics under her breath and tears strolling down to say she was going behind the girls back.

                Girl works with Slutzilla, and see’s boy from time to time, and the fairy tale goes; Slutzilla did a favor by showing her true colors and showing me what boy could have done worst in the future.

                                                                Good Luck Slutzilla and Boy,                                                                  

                                                                                           go hold hands of sorrow and black. 

 Let's say you meet Mr.perfect, he has everything that was on your list for greatness. He is not only a great talker, but wants to spend time with you. He gives you a message here and there, cooks you turkey burgers, and even will take you on vacation. He gets along great with your friends and your family likes him. All is good, right?
  This is/was my situation, I moved from the Douche to the simple perfect nice guy. He admired me and all was great about him, except for me not being attractive to him. When it came to all physical matters, I just couldn't. I didn't want to and even though he is perfect for an ideal boyfriend, he is not my ideal. Am I destine to find the Bad guy instead of the good guy?